Four Tips for Fostering during Covid -19

Tips when Fostering older children during a pandemic

By Nicola Wilkinson

Tatenda[1] arrived on the eve of lockdown, a 17-year-old teenager out of control, late night partying, doing drugs and oblivious to any constraint. A Covid-19 liability. We had raced to London to get him. He had no warning but got in the car and came with us, effective strangers, believing his punishment was unfair.

1. Walks and talks

Initially, we went for walks together to know Tatenda and how he saw life. We learned he had been keen on sport and the physical challenge of walking or cycling. Later he went out alone. When he left it too late in the evening, my husband objected and went with him. Eventually they had a good chat and came home more deeply bonded.

Walks and talks

2. Books and YouTube links                                        

Simple resources were a lifeline in understanding how to communicate together.[2] Trauma in early years leads to a part of the brain remaining underdeveloped: the more “primitive” fight and flight response is dominant. So, gentleness was essential when challenging poor behaviour or else shame overwhelmed him... curiosity about his actions was more effective than direct confrontation.

Empathy helped me word things in a way that promoted his security rather than exacerbating his fragile sense of existence. When sternly challenged about his online studies, he retreated to his room. When rewarded for his early appearance in the day with a favourite cereal he started to appear at breakfast. Humour and playfulness helped. The laundry basket is missing his friends downstairs generated smiles and compliance...prioritising this, de-escalated fraught situations and rationalised counterintuitive approaches.  

3. A friendly face

People like his social worker Zoomed in to check up weekly. A therapist was engaged via Zoom to meet with him; sometimes they met with us as well in a cupboard to interpret what we were learning and encourage us out of earshot. How do you get beyond empathising with his fear to helping him become more resilient? I wondered. Providing scaffolding initially was the answer, I helped him navigate application forms for jobs. This overcame a reluctance. We had virtual prayer meetings with another family fostering children and exchanged information about what was available for kids without qualifications in our city.

A friend recommended an organisation which was excellent for job and skills advice. https://www.government-online.net/14-19-neets-training-yorkshire/

Finally, a family member with a vision to help kids like Tatenda has taken him on in his business. As lockdown eased, he started to go to work with him once a week.  

4. Family, food, and films

Lockdown had advantages such as all eating together. Once a day we sat down together and talked. Our house included my daughter, her husband, baby and cat. The baby and cat were uncomplicated and loving, they softened the awkwardness of the early days. Slow integration into the family ritual of eating and talking by candlelight enabled us to learn who he was.

Friday night film and pizza marked the weekend. The movies provoked good conversations as we talked over dinner. He was interested in Black Lives Matter. We watched ‘Just Mercy’. and grew together in our sadness for others.

One evening frustrated, I broke all the relationship rules, I challenged him on his attitude, productivity, and ingratitude head on. I cringe now remembering him overwhelmed with shame. I had wanted to watch ‘It’s a wonderful life’ with him. He abruptly left for a walk. When he came in, I suggested the film. He replied shortly, ‘Maybe’. ‘Can I make you some tea?’ I offered softly, he came and watched it. Small things, kind words, gentle encouragements, improvements all got us through.

Slowly Tatenda is developing deeper roots in trust and attachment. From this we hope he can spread his wings and find his destiny.

References:

[1] name: Name changed for confidenti.ality

[2] Nurturing Attachments: Supporting Children who are Fostered or Adopted by Kim S. Golding  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuRagD9ES9w by Dan Hughes.