Pregnancy Loss – by one who knows
by Jane Walters in the UK
15 February 2022
One of my favourite songs is the hauntingly beautiful ‘Mary, did you know?’ In it, the singer asks if Mary, before the first Christmas, had any inkling as to who the child was that she carried within her? The answer is, of course, no – at least not fully.
There’s something about the question that resonates deeply in me. Did I know what was ahead of me when I embarked on another pregnancy – when my first son had been conceived and born without a hitch? Had I any idea of the depths of despair I was about to enter when everyone else around me would soon be passing round their baby photos?
Your story
Everyone’s story is different. Yours may be about an unwanted pregnancy — until it was gone and the pain set in. There are details in mine which won’t tally with your experience – and vice versa – but the thing we share is the pain of losing a baby.
You’ll have discovered pretty early on that some people just don’t get it. Your attempts at explaining how you’re feeling can be met with a blank face or – far, far worse – the words that are supposed to make you feel better but do the opposite.
At various points during my three-year / four miscarriages season, I was told (of course) that I could ‘have another one.’ How did they not understand that all I wanted was to have back the one I’d had? I remember almost screaming that at a friend.
Another friend told me in detail how a lady in the church had had a threatened miscarriage but had prayed and rested and all was wonderfully well. When I challenged her, asking if she meant I hadn’t prayed right, hadn’t rested right, she tried to wriggle away from it but we both knew what she’d said. So much damage was done in those few minutes. So much forgiveness was needed.
Changed forever
I suppose we can’t blame others for not knowing. I mean, I can hardly explain myself why the grief goes so deep over losing someone I’d never met – in fact was only aware of for a matter of weeks. I think part of the answer is that there’s a massive amount of hope in that cluster of cells.
You only need to see that mark appear on the pregnancy test and your imagination goes off the scale. You’re a mum already! Life has changed in that instant, though everything looks the same. And then, when the unthinkable happens, everything still looks the same, but nothing will ever be the same again. You’re still a mother, be clear about that, but your heart is broken and your arms ache with emptiness.
Finding hope
Would I have started on the journey if I’d known what lay ahead? Probably not – and for that reason alone, I can be glad I didn’t know. There were times I didn’t think I could endure it all:
· the pain (physical, mental and spiritual).
· the clinical depression after the second loss.
· the arguments with the GP and hospital doctors.
· the nurse who crassly commented that it ‘wasn’t really a baby.’
But I did survive and eventually, with a lot of medical help, I had my much-delayed, so-very-longed-for son. I know not everyone manages to have their ‘rainbow baby’ and I consider myself incredibly blessed that the never-ending miscarriages stopped.
Help in crisis
There is so much more I could say, but I want to end with addressing one of the hardest aspects of pregnancy loss, which you don’t anticipate: the loneliness and isolation.
Our bodies feel emptied of hope and there are few who understand. I found my Christian faith a great help but I still had to go through many dark days and nights. It’s one of the reasons I wrote my book, ‘Too Soon’ here . It was written so that others wouldn’t have to be as alone as I had been. Any journey is better with a companion, and through my book, I could be one for you.
* * *
Jane Walters is the author of Too Soon, a mother’s journey through miscarriage (written as Jane Clamp, SPCK). She is vice-chair of the Association of Christian Writers and writes for various organisations as well as leading writing retreats.
* * *
If you are feeling suicidal about pregnancy?
Talk to someone you trust now.
(For instance in the UK, dial 111 for the NHS helpline)
Are you living with buried feelings of pregnancy or abortion loss?
More help is on page 159 here
Others dealing with pregnancy loss
Woman with eight miscarriages https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/health-60292002
Pregnancy loss pod cast for men and partners https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/health-60377339